


Try, Try Again (Is the Title of Santiago's Sex Tape)

by Lady_Ganesh



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Failing at Quitting Smoking, Future Fic, Major Life Events, Quitting Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 03:12:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2797469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Ganesh/pseuds/Lady_Ganesh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or: Five times Amy tried to quit smoking, and the one time she did.</p><p>This starts in the recent past (minor spoilers for S2) and speculates on the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Try, Try Again (Is the Title of Santiago's Sex Tape)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Smapdi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smapdi/gifts).



> Thanks to mollivanders, who helped me say what I actually meant to say. (Remaining mistakes are mine!)

**1\. For Teddy**

"Amy?" Teddy asked.

"Yes?" Amy smiled. She felt like she was about to crawl out of her skin. "Isn't the appetizer good? I love...cheese...things." Straws? Puffs? What were they called again? She couldn't remember. _Just act casual. Totally casual._

"Just making sure you're okay," he said. "You seem...distracted."

"Well, you know," she said. "Just...thinking about work." Just one smoke. She wouldn't even need a whole cigarette. Just. Just one little puff. That was all. She'd be fine then. Fine.

Maybe if she just rolled the cigarette around in her hand, in her purse. Would he notice?

"Amy?"

"I'm sorry," she said, grabbing her purse. "I just need to run to the ladies' room for a second."

  
**2\. For the Mayor**

"Look," Rosa said, pushing back from her desk. "You did good work. You should be proud of yourself. That's all you need to do. Show up, smile, get your medal, show it off when you get back here. Stop making this more complicated than it has to be."

"No. This is a sign," Amy said, her eyes burning with conviction. "I mean, come on. Mayor De Blasio has a daughter in recovery. How can I look him in the face when I'm...an addict? How can I get up on the podium reeking of tobacco fumes?"

"You're being ridiculous," Rosa said. "You don't reek of anything, you use too much Febreze in your car for that. And it's not like you smoke that much anyway."

"But why can't I stop?" Amy's voice edged closer to a whine. "I mean. It's not even that much, so why can't I stop? It's weak."

"It's not weakness, it's addiction," Rosa said, draining her own cup. "It's...I dunno, biochemical."

"Easy for you to say," Amy said.

"What are you talking about?" Rosa said. "I quit smoking back in the Academy."

"Really? How did _you_ do it?"

Rosa shrugged. "Easy. I just made a solemn vow that the next time I lit a cigarette, I'd just put it out on the back of my hand."

Amy's eyes went wide. She looked--

"I never did it," Rosa said.

"Wow," Amy said.

"Yeah, I didn't figure it'd work for you."

"I could--"

"Santiago, I forbid you from putting any cigarettes out on the back of your hand."

Amy slumped back down in her chair.

**3\. For the Nightlife**  


She'd just been talking with Boyle about that new bar that opened up in WIlliamsburg, and the next thing she knew she was complaining about quitting. About _not_ quitting. Again. "I've _got_ to quit. Do you know how many matches I'm not getting because I'm an 'occasional' smoker? And I don't want to date a smoker, so the whole thing's just making me a huge hypocrite!"

"Amy," Boyle said. "Anyone with half a brain will realize you're a wonderful, capable, attractive woman."

"Or," Gina suggested from her desk, "you could just join smokingcrazies.com. Or you could go down to lock-up and see who's down there."

"Weren't you on the phone?" Boyle said.

"Was," Gina said. The phone was still at her ear. "Totally not on the phone now--oh, hi, Gene, what's uuuup?"

"Ignore her," Boyle said.

"It's just so hard to meet people!" Amy said. "I want to quit. I have to quit. This time I'm gonna do it. For good."

****

**4\. Before the Ceremony**

"And in honor of your special achievement," Amy said, stretching up to her full height, "I am happy to announce that I have, indeed, finally quit smoking."

"That...that's fine, Santiago," Holt said. "But really, the reward for me has been watching you grow and develop in your role as an officer. I look forward to your promotion to Sergeant."

"Oh, Cap--Deputy Inspector," she said. "I'm so honored."

Holt squinted over across the parking lot. "Santiago?"

"Yes, Captain?"

"Why is your car...smoldering?" 

"Um...hold on," she said, her eyes going wide. "I'll be right back."

Terry sighed as he watched Amy pound down the street to put out the cigarette fire. "Peralta?"

"Yeah?"

“Why is her car on fire?”

“She’s been using e-cigarettes as a way to cut down,” Jake said. “But her car’s old enough that the charger thing keeps setting off sparks. This is, like, the third time. First actual fire, though. Fire’s new.”

"Can't you, I don’t know. Talk to her? Or--"

"No!" Peralta said, his grin wide and manic. "No, I cannot. I can not, I will not, and I will not try further, thank you very much." 

"You know," Terry said fondly, "she quit quitting once."

"Yeah," Jake said. "That was good. She should have stuck to that."

"Should someone help her?" Holt asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I dunno," Jake said. "I keep trying to get her to call a quitline or something, but--”

“With the _fire,_ Peralta.”

“Oh,” Jake said. “Oh. Yeah. Probably.”

**5\. Before the Other Ceremony**

Amy wanted to cry. She was so close. So close. One more hour, that was all. One more hour. She twisted her engagement ring on her finger. 

She could do anything for a hour. Right? She'd gone without a cigarette for an hour before. Plenty of times.

All the time.

Why had she told her brothers she’d quit? And why had she let all their wives be bridesmaids? There were five of them, and she hardly knew most of them. There was just this ocean of blue satin every time she looked around the room.

And Rosa had ducked out for some reason, which only made it worse.

Her hands were shaky. That was normal. Just nerves.

She was perfectly normal. Everything was perfectly normal.

She wondered what would happen if she put her head out the window and screamed.

I mean, people did that at the courthouse all the time, right? Of course they did.

Rosa came back just as she was eyeing the door. "Where the hell have you been?" That was Ben's wife. Sara without an h. She...had a track record of making poor decisions.

"Shut up," Rosa said to her. Fortunately, she must have decided Sara wasn’t worth the trouble. "Amy. Outside. Now.”

"But if Jake sees her before the ceremony, it's bad luck!" That was Sarah with an h. At least Jack’s wife Mary knew enough to skitter out of Rosa's way.

Rosa grabbed her by the arm and started dragging her out the back. "Sorry, police business. Very important, can't wait." She had her leather jacket on over her bridesmaid's dress. It actually looked pretty good. How did she manage to pull that off?

"Rosa, what are you--"

"Are you questioning a superior officer, Santiago?" Oh sure, _now_ she decided to make a big deal that she’d made Captain first.

"Uh. No. Wait." Rosa's grip was strong. "This is my wedding! What police business is possibly so important--"

Rosa shut the door behind them.

"And I can't believe you're pulling the 'superior officer' thing on me! What happened to us always--"

Rosa stuck a cigarette between her lips.

"Oh, thank God," Amy said, and grabbed the matches Rosa was holding.

****

**The Last Time. Really.**

"Wait, no," she said. "That...that is not possible."

"Oh, it's possible," Jake said. "Either we're having a four-footed monster--which, okay, that would be _awesome_ \--or that's possible."

The ultrasound tech moved the screen so Amy could see it. It was....

Well, it wasn't a four-footed monster.

"Two babies," she said.

"Yep." Jake looked _entirely_ too happy for a guy who'd be swimming in poop for years. "Two babies. No monster. Totally possible."

"Why are you so happy about this? You should not be happy about this. What's wrong with you?" She almost sat up, but Jake put his hand on her arm and she remembered she was half-naked on a table with goop all over her stomach. She stopped trying to get up, but the tension didn't go out of her body.

"Because it's babies!" Jake waved enthusiastically at the screen. "Look at them! They're gonna be so cute! I mean, Terry has twins. We can do twins."

"I think I'd rather have a four-footed monster," Amy muttered, but her heart wasn't in it.

It was snowing when they walked out of the clinic. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah," she said. "I mean. A little scared, but...I guess that's normal, right?"

"Yeah," Jake said. "Totally normal. Terry said when they found out about Cagney and Lacey he slept with his gun under the bed for a week." He frowned at the phone. "And then he freaked out and decided he shouldn't have the gun anywhere near the bed, because what if he was groggy and...that doesn't make any sense, that's insane, never mind." He shoved his phone back in his pocket. "Anyway, he says he's got lots of cool twin stuff to pass on. Maybe we can just dye things purple if the other baby's a boy."

"Maybe I should talk to Sharon," Amy said.

"Yeah, that...that might be a better choice. You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," she said.

"'Cause I was kind of afraid, you know. You're stressed."

"Jake!" She stopped. "Do you really think I'd _smoke? Now?"_

"No," he said. It wasn't an ass-covering _no._ He meant it. "I just...thought you might _want_ to. I mean. That's normal. And...you know. You can talk to me. If you do."

"I know that, you idiot," she said, and punched him on the arm. "Now let's see if Caribou Baby has anything good in a matched set."

"We can't afford anything at Caribou Baby," he said.

"I know," she said. "I want to look. Don't worry. I snuck your credit card out of your wallet this morning, you can't impulse buy even if you want to."

"You're no fun," he said.

"I am the opposite of fun," she said confidently, as he took his arm. "Now, come on, let's window-shop for two."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Try, Try Again (Is the Title of Santiago's Sex Tape)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9166810) by [Hananobira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hananobira/pseuds/Hananobira)




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